Every relationship has conflicts. In some relationships, conflict is a serious problem; in others, differences seem to be resolved without creating a major incident.

Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen in your daily life. These are typical:

1. Disagreements over who should do what
2. Disagreements over how things should be done
3. Conflicts of personality and style
4. arguments about how one partner treats the other

Nonproductive Ways of Dealing with Conflict

Now that we’ve identified some typical situations where conflict arises in your everyday lives, let’s look at some examples of ways that people deal with them. These are the common ones:

1. Avoid the conflict.
2. Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away.
3. Change the subject.
4. React emotionally: Become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening.
5. Find someone to blame.
6. Make excuses.
7. Let someone else deal with it.

All of these responses to conflict have one thing in common: They are all nonproductive. All of them can and likely will lead to a degridation in the the sense of security and safety in the relationship. This is bound to increase conflict and decrease security and safey further in a cascading effect. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important.

Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict

The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are:

1. Behavior learned in families. In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden. Some families are yellers, others get quiet.
2. Attachment style. Attachment style is another way that we learn to deal with conflict related to how we deal with our early relationships, our sense of safety and security in those early interactions, and how we adapted to relationships in general over time.
3. Behavior learned from role models. People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves.
4. Status. People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation.
5. Unwritten rules. Some groups encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided. Often culture has implicit rules that affect what is considered right or wrong ways of having conflcit.
6. Gender differences. Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females. However, this does not mean that males are better at dealing with conflict or that they are more verbal or expressive.

Active Listening

Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.

Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation where there are conflicting points of view.

Active listening responses have two components: (1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling.

Here are some examples of active-listening statements:

• “Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”
• “You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”
• “You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”
• “It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.”
• “Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”
• “I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”

Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view. The problem generally comes in when you are reflecting someone ire or upset at you! The danger is that your “active listening” could become defensive. Active listening only works if you are not reacting badly to what you are listening to. if you are attemtping to be listen, it is easy to let your reactive feeling color what you reflect- then you are lost in this endevor.

Try to remember, when you are listing and reflecting, it is not about you!! You are simply trying to hear and understand what is being said. you are not owing what is being said.

Benefits of Active Listening

If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style, it has a positive effect on dealing with conflicts when they arise. This is because of the following benefits:

1. It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself.
2. Restating what you’ve heard and checking for understanding promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings.
3. Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation.

General Tips for Managing Conflict

1. Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements.
2. Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that…”).
3. Soften your tone.
4. Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”).
5. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary).
6. Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot).
7. Be specific and factual; avoid generalities.

Preventing Conflicts

Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Think of situations in your life where there don’t seem to be many conflicts. What might be happening there? Chances are, you are practicing one of the following conflict-prevention skills:

1. Bring issues out in the open before they become problems.
2. Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them.
3. Have a process for resolving conflicts. Discuss the process with those around you and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints.

The Communication Map is a clear and concrete method for learning improved communication. It comes with CD, a laminated instruction card, and wallet size cards for the participants. This method of improved communication is great for any situation and can be learned by children and adults.

I don’t Think So. In this video, Dr Davis explains how we are really at a disadvantage when it comes to romantic relationships. We really dont know what we are doing most of the time!!

So simple, yet so imporatant.

These ideas can enhance mindfulness and loving kindness in your relationship.

While emotions are important and vital in relationships- Being pushed around by your emotions can cause you to suffer needlessly and make decisions that are life changing without utilizing all of your options. this Video explains one simple technique that can help you to get some distance and perhaps make better decisions.

(Note : this video is about 3 minutes 30 seconds long- somewhere in transfer 6 minutes of black is attached to the end.)

We too easily identify with our thoughts and feelings as if they are  rather than experiences that we are having.  The next installment talks about how to deal with Fusion of our emotions and a simple exercise is described.

Our brains are much better suited to war than love. What is adaptive for survival and has helped keep us alive as a species, can, in some cases be deadly for our relationships.

Before we delve into relationships, let’s take a detour into your brain.

Within the brain is a structure- more specifically a group of structures called the limbic system? The limbic system is the center of our brain’s emotional processing.

The most potent part of the limbic system- you might say the captain in charge of fear and aggression, is a small structure called the amygdala.

The amygdala does a rapid and rather gross evaluation of the environment in comparison with memories of past dangers. Is this bad? Could it hurt me?

If the information registers as dangerous, the amygdala broadcasts a distress signal to the entire brain. This happens so fast that the thinking brain (the cortex) does not even have a chance to get a word in edgewise.  The alarms go off, triggering a cascade of physiological responses–from a speeded-up heart rate to a jacked-up blood pressure to many other changes that prepare one for “fight or flight”. There is a rapid release of a variety of hormones, adrenaline, noradrenaline, cortical, and others. Within milliseconds, we can explode with rage or freeze in fear, well before our conscious mind can even grasp what is happening, much less persuade us to take a few deep breaths and maintain our cool. Sometimes this is called being “emotionally hijacked”- also called an amygdala hijack.”

Unfortunately, the amygdale is not very smart. It is not very discerning- the amygdala doesn’t care much if it overreacts – it easily errs on the side of danger.

When it comes to survival, it’s much less of a problem to mistake something as dangerous when it is not- than to make the mistake of not reacting to something that will kill you.

While being hijacked by our brains alarm system is actually adaptive when it comes to survival, it can cause huge problems for our relationships.

So- you argue with your spouse.

The undiscerning amygdala may register danger as having our feelings hurt, feeling blamed for something for which you feel is not you’re your fault or simply arguing with “the most important person in your world.”

 Your partner, in essence has become the enemy.

Because you have been emotionally hijacked you are not able to think clearly (or at all). You may over react to some interaction with a partner. You could fly off in a rage, you might yell and scream, perhaps throw things- or at least you may say or do things in that you will later regret.

Even if your reaction is not so extreme, you may find yourself withdrawing, or fleeing in such a way that your partner feels hurt or abandoned.

It’s not easy to stop an amygdale hijacking but, if mindful, you may be able to gain control- pay attention- notice when it begins- perhaps- Try to focus on your breathing. Try to stay in the moment and focus inside.  If the alarms are really going, it may be good to take a time out.

Ask your partner for a 5 or 10 minute break to get yourself calmed down.

It’s best to discuss this time out strategy in advance. A self imposed time out could be perceived as avoidance and discounting to your partner- not wanting to hear them. If preplanned, with your partner, it is more likely to be perceived positively.

Being mindful and noticing when you start to heat up then taking a break is just one way to manage the amygdala hijack. Being relatively cool and collected during serious marital discussions can make the difference between having a productive argument and having a devastating battle to the emotional death.

>One more thing: Everyone has an amygdale alarm go off at times. It can happen a lot if your marriage is in trouble and you and your partner argue. But- some people have serious problems that can manifest when the alarms go off. If you or your spouse loose it- really fly into a rage, do property damage, become abusive or physically attacking, or otherwise become highly threatening- seek professional help immediately. This can be very dangerous and life threatening and it takes a professional to deal effectively with this problem. It could be a sign of serious mental illness such as an Impulse Control Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, or a serious neurological problem. Also, if you being hurt by someone who losses it to such a degree, please seek out a local abuse shelter or call 911.

Learning to tolerate our desire to flee a relationship could help us to create a trully vital and loving experience. Check out this video for the second installment of Chapter4 on emotions in- The Mindful Marriage

But we seek many means to try and manipulate how we feel. Sometimes emotions make us do things that are not good for us. Check out this video for the first installment of 4 on emotions in- The Mindful Marriage